I crave the security in keeping busy.
I crave the control over having a ‘to do’ list and checking off each thing.
I crave the daylight.
I crave noise.
When the silence hits,
when the sun begins to set,
the fear kicks in.
There is nothing left on my ‘to do’ list,
the noise is slowly fading away.
The dark mass that has decided to follow me,
He knows that I have nothing left to distract me.
And I get scared.
And I make my husband keep the lights on.
And I keep music on.
And I tell him to not make me go to bed.
And I tell him to tell me stories when I finally do lay down.
And I lie there,
wishing the sun would just rise.
I am on so many medications right now that I stay up thinking
that I’m going to die in my sleep.
Today is one of those days where nothing is on my schedule,
yesterday was a root canal,
tomorrow is another part of the legal battle against someone who refuses to go away,
today there is nothing.
Everyone keeps saying
“You’re running from something, that’s why you don’t want silence.”
When the noise is gone,
it is only me and my thoughts.
It’s true, they are right.
My husband makes me free-write every night now;
this is a journey,
it hurts us both
and its messy
and there cannot be a game plan of how it will go
I just hope that the ending is a good one.
I just need a moment to catch my breath.
A moment where the silent noise in my mind shuts the fuck up.