When Le Clown offered me the opportunity to guest post on Black Box Warnings, I shivered in my boots a little. I am (a lot) intimidated by this guy, and after reading through some of the blog’s previous posts, felt the same about the other authors. I wrote up a bunch of drafts, hating them all. I couldn’t come up with a fucking idea and it was really making me just a wee bit nervous. Here was this chance to share another part of myself, with a new audience, and I was going to fall short.
But a few nights before my ‘due date’, I was writing in a new journal. The ending line, below a bunch of scribbles of Who am I’s, I wrote “But don’t I already know? I am me. An eclectic mix of all of my experiences and “failures.” I am me.” Shortly thereafter, I wrote my post.
As I told Le Clown, I was (almost) literally shitting my pants after hitting ‘Publish.’ I was not only sharing intimate details, but terrifying ones at that. I stripped naked and exposed myself, and I honestly was expecting the worst. Here was all of the shit that I have tortured myself about over so much of my life, and I was sharing them. Lunatic move or what?
But what I have received is love and respect; gracious words from those new & old that inspire me. And then Cheri tells me that the post will be Freshly Pressed. First instinct? To beg Le Clown to delete the post immediately. I can’t do this! What was I thinking? Humbled & hugely grateful, very, but scared.
I am petrified now, as I know that someone may be reading those words. But. What I have learned over this journey of mine, and recently embraced, is that the truth really will set you free. I know it sounds corny, and so much easier said than done, but even through the terrifying butterfly in my chest, I feel so fucking weightless. Empowered. Indebted & thankful. Exposing these things has left me thinking, “Okay, you’ve punished yourself over them and you have now addressed them, you can finally move on.” Free.
Thank you. To each and every one of you that have shown me nothing but an acceptance that I never ever ever ever thought was possible for me to obtain. To Le Clown. To Cheri. Thank you.