This is a piece of SATIRE and should be taken with a shot of tequila.
I’m poking fun at and EXAGGERATING the things that I see and hear on a daily basis.
There is this underlying tone of racism, sexism and homophobia that we all hear every day … but accept because it is so acute. That is my point here.`
It’s hard being a white and (pretty much) straight American.
All of our rights are protected, and dammit, we want something to bitch about!
We have to wrack our brains, which is really so very exhausting.
Hmmm yes, immigration!
See, us white folks? We were born here! We popped up from the ground and were birthed by the soil. We didn’t achieve our citizenship through murder and destruction. We stole nothing. Okay, so we didn’t actually come from this country in the beginning … but when we did come here, we didn’t do what those immigrants do now! We totally didn’t bring drugs and disease to this place when we came. We came peacefully, not trying to change anything about the natives. Hell, we even helped the corn economy! Helllllo, Thanksgiving!
We worked fucking hard to be on top, and now immigrants want to come here and take the jobs that we won’t take? Blasphemy! So yeah, more white folks are on welfare than any other ethnicity, but just because we won’t work that job doesn’t mean we want someone else to take it!
We stole this country fair and square. It took many exhausting years of murder, slavery, segregation and “old honky white dude” groups to keep this place how it should be: Gun-ownin’, English-speakin’, white folk! We even came up with that slogan none of us actually agree with … oh you know, “melting pot.” But come on, we don’t actually mean it. We will put up with other races and colors, as long as it stays known that we are in charge. Don’t you dare serve me coffee with an accent! In fact, why don’t you all (“you all” being every other country in the world) just learn English … in one of the American accents (just make sure it’s a white-approved accent). So you’re living in poverty in your country because of our big businesses raping your lands? Bummer.
Okay let’s see. Man, this is exhausting. What next? Ahh yes, the gays!
Those gays. Ruining everything! When I was 5 and made the decision to be a straight man, I had a revelation. God came to me and said, “See, I created billions of people, all diverse and all different … but,” and he chuckled, “the joke is on them! Only 2% of you are actually the ones I like … the rest? Oh I’m just sending them to Hell.” I think he was bored. But whatever, I knew that not only was I white, but I was also straight, and a MAN!! The path would lead me to Heaven no matter what! Ca-ching!
But I couldn’t sit there and be satisfied with just worrying about myself… no! That is so not the style of the white person! We have to shove our nose in everyone’s businesses, because we do after all know best! We get everything we want, including the freedom to marry a hooker in Vegas just to renounce it a day later, but try to lay claim to something that is “ours”? Um, I don’t THINK so!
Let us just forget the fact that a lot of white Christians then (and even now) didn’t let Blacks get married … that was a lapse in judgement. But gays? Oh man, the gays! See, this overpopulated planet needs more families like the Duggars. White, Christian, straight, popping out 50 kids at a time. Sara down the street can be a crack whore, laying a baby egg once a year and having welfare pay for her drug habit, and get married to her pimp. Jeena is sixteen and she can even legally marry a 60 year old dude. But two dudes that want to get married and adopt one of the millions of children without a home? Fuck that, it’s gross! Oh yeah, and a sin. Those homeless kids? We like to make public service announcements about them … but they better not get in the way of our daily Big Mac, large fry and diet coke!
Marriage is for white folks, no wait, I mean straight folks. Even though marriage ain’t solely a Christian thing, and even though marriage was around wayyyyy before the religion, and even though marriage is now mostly a state thing, and even though no one OWNS the word, and even though gays marrying will not affect your marriage, and even though you spew that God is the only judge but yet you judge like it’s your damn job, and even though I only know what my pastor tells me and have never actually studied the history of anything outside of Bill O’ Reilly and the cartoon channel, it’s mine and you better not take it! Us white people like to lay claim to things. It’s MINE! Mine! Mine! Mine!
We really do love to fool ourselves into believing we are fighting some sacred war that will end in eternal victory. But really, we are just selfish bigots with ego’s the size of Texas. Poor, middle class, or rich, white people have it good. Straight, white men have had to fight for nothing.
We are so bored with having it good, that we have to keep fighting for things that don’t really fucking matter. Now we say “Oh we don’t see race!” Right. We love that one. Heh. We don’t see it … unless you’re Black, Hispanic, Asian, Middle Eastern … or gay. Because gay is another race.
We fight for the right to go to war on entire countries … even though we only had beef with one dude.
We fight for the right to own guns … even the kind that are only created to destroy the target completely.
We fight for the right to keep America American … even though what we really mean is keeping America white & straight.
We fight for the right to get calorie labels on fast food … even though we will still sue them for making us eat those damn cheeseburgers with their voodoo magic!
We fight for the right to keep marriage between a man and a woman … even though your marriage is falling apart, or you’re on your third one … but focusing solely on yourself and your own business would be out of the question.
We fight for the right to keep immigrants out … even though they boost our economy, fill jobs that we won’t take, and lets not forget the fact that we were once immigrants and we did MUCH MUCH worse to stake a claim here.
We fight for marijuana to stay illegal … even though we drive drunk & pop our kids’ ADD pills on a daily basis and tell ourselves that we are still “better” than pot smokers.
Don’t even get me started on women’s rights … get back in that damn kitchen!
We fight and we fight and we fight and we fight …. for nothing.
What are we so afraid of? Oh right, soon, America won’t anymore be predominately white. And more and more gay people are coming out of the closet. That scares you doesn’t it? I for one am excited, because all of us entitled assholes could use a little discomfort for once.