I am not healed; not better. But at the advice of others, I thought I would try writing instead of keeping things all up inside of my head.
Beware: free writing ahead.
I’ve been hiding away playing Mass Effect 2 (yes, playing them backwards) and just generally wondering why the hell I am still breathing.
I walk around in a fog; am I alive and dreaming or dead and remembering? Nothing seems real, nothing feels real, and therefore nothing is real. No one sees me; I glance at them, but do not see them either. It’s all so crazy and exhausting and full of nothing & everything at the same time. I got my hair cut because I knew I couldn’t keep up with it any other way anymore; I got glasses because I was tired of not being able to see clearly; I got a nice chunk done of my application to UO; I did all of this, and yet I did none of it. It didn’t satisfy me, none of it did. I went through the motions, but I have no connection to the girl that did them. My reflection? It’s foreign; she isn’t me.
That girl/This girl has got no fucking idea who she is. That smile? It’s achieved from years and years of practice. Just goes to show you, appearance means nothing.
Remember when I said I didn’t care what other people thought? Yeah, that’s gone in hiding. I’ve let all of the bad things that they’ve all said infest my brain. The cloud of judgement has made a home in my thoughts; they repeat over and over and over again, and I eat, sleep and breathe with it all replaying. What hurts me more than their belief in my failings, is that I believe them. They are right. And I sit with the fact that I probably have no one in my corner … not even myself.
These thoughts are not for pity; these thoughts are mine, these thoughts are real. I’m so fed up with everything. With them. With everyone I’ve ever known. With me. With who I’ve always been. I wish, I wish so desperately, that I could fly away to freedom. Away from the shackles of these people and this place. I want to disappear. Reappear.
It’s a light tap dance, living.
I printed out a few dozen pages of old online diaries I’ve kept. Years and years of the same same same. I was thinking of using some of it for my next post; a better understanding of who I am I guess.
Thank you all for sticking around … I don’t know why you do, but knowing that these words will be read means something. And that is a whole hell of a lot right now.
I’m in your corner, hope it means something because at times I feel the same
Ah, but you DO have someone in your corner, even if you think you don’t. Even if YOU aren’t in your own corner right now. We don’t know each other, but *I’m* in your corner right now, rooting for you to make it through this, to find some sort of even footing again. And don’t let other people and their judgements get you down. Screw them. YOU are the one who has to live your life, not them. You allow who you want into your life, and get rid of the negative people. It may hurt now, but it’s worth it in the long run. I KNOW. And getting rid of the negatives in your life, well, that’s it’s own sort of freedom. I’m still getting free myself.
Ask yourself just this one question…………… Do you prefer strawberry or chocolate ice cream?
OK that was dumb, but the fact is as much as I would love to there are no words I can type that will blow away that kind of cloud! Having said that it seems that the weather has no influence on your writing ability cause it still rocks! (side note even if it didn’t i’d still want to know that the cloud had shifted) different corner of the earth perhaps but in your corner I am!
I was stuck in that nowhere and everywhere place for 3 years. Completely in your corner. Change will come xxx
Dark moods come and go. I am happy that you are still writing because it is a welcome release and I have found that it certainly helps. As it happens, something I have found that can help is writing about a character going through a similar ordeal and living precariously through them, noting what you would do if it were not you going through it. What advice would you give your character? Just a thought.
Adieu, scribbler
I wish I knew what to tell you to make you feel even a little better, but that would mean I would know what to tell myself and I haven’t been able to figure that one out. Why is anyone here? I know I ask myself why I was ever born every single day. I don’t get it, any of it. And I hate that one person has become primarily responsible for my feelings of self-loathing. I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. Sorry.
Keep. Writing. It may be helping more than you know or realize. Keeping you close…
I just thought I’d add a comment for the brief, passing moment of joy that comes from seeing the little orange speech bubble light up at the top corner of your home, loony page (especially when it’s been prompted by your resident, Aussie weirdo *insert cool guy, winking emoticon*). Got nothing to say otherwise. Cyber friends aren’t as good as real life friends. And I know no words will help light up the gloom. Fucking genetics. So, ergh, yeah, cya mate.
Again, i could have written these words myself. You are never alone and you will always have people in your corner…sometimes it’s just hard to see =\
This frog is in your corner! Oh, and fwiw I love your hair!
You have everything and so much of it. We, your readers believe in you. We wouldn’t follow your journey if we didn’t.
the glasses suits you
. Do keep writing…
This is what’s happening to me… like right now. “What hurts me more than their belief in my failings, is that I believe them. They are right.”
I’ve clicked like but I don’t like that you are going through this at all. Blessings to you, you look gorgeous with the new hair and glasses and we follow because you have something to offer each one of us, probably each in different ways. You are of great value.
Not knowing your reflection in the mirror is one of the saddest feeling,I get it –this fog(doesn’t it feel like a out -of-body experience?),numbness but I assure you it’s gonna get better and am not just saying.Keep those glasses too,they rock .And you are read!
While you may see the reflection of someone you don’t know, I see the reflection of someone worth knowing, which is why I’m glad you’re writing and — I hope — realizing you may need to find a bigger corner to fit all of us in
Wow. You could have pulled this from my own diary.
I’m in your corner….always. It sounds like you’re disassociating, where nothing seems real and you can’t connect with anything. I’ve been there before but I don’t know how i got out, I think I just kinda hung on and kept going and after awhile I felt a bit more connected. *reaches out a hand to you to pull you up*
I don’t know what to say. But I am leaving all the love I have for you <3
It sounds like you’re going through a bit of depersonalization atm, (I’m only guessing here based on your post) my boyfriend’s been through it many times, where you do things but it seems like someone else doing it, not you. I’ve had it too, it passes, but it’s actually a healthy thing, it’s your brain shutting itself off from stress and worry so you don’t have a meltdown. It’s not nice to experience but better than going completely batshit. I won’t pretend and lie to you by saying you’ll be completely 100% better in the future, you might always be like this, but part of moving on is accepting that every day isn’t going to be rosy, and that when shit does happen, you can see it in a different light. You might not always be okay, but perhaps one day, you’ll be “okay” with not being okay all of the time.
I’m in your corner, and to keep it up with the boxing allusion, here’s some water to drink, take y<our time, spit it out, and back into the ring. You can't win – nobody can, really – but every second is worth fighting for!
That girl / this girl is beautiful. She should be smiling.
I wish I had read this post before just now, so that I could have the reminder that we aren’t alone in feeling in ways that make us feel lost, confused or sad, and not our “normal” selves. I hope you felt better after writing this. I wrote a post yesterday about my feelings and I felt like it made no sense either, yet it helped me to try and make sense of so much! Peace out
“I’ve been hiding away playing Mass Effect 2″
You do the retreat-into-RPGs thing too, eh?
Works pretty well, don’t it?
“Remember when I said I didn’t care what other people thought? …”
http://neurodrooling.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/hearing-voices/