Beware: free writing ahead.
I’ve been hiding away playing Mass Effect 2 (yes, playing them backwards) and just generally wondering why the hell I am still breathing.
I walk around in a fog; am I alive and dreaming or dead and remembering? Nothing seems real, nothing feels real, and therefore nothing is real. No one sees me; I glance at them, but do not see them either. It’s all so crazy and exhausting and full of nothing & everything at the same time. I got my hair cut because I knew I couldn’t keep up with it any other way anymore; I got glasses because I was tired of not being able to see clearly; I got a nice chunk done of my application to UO; I did all of this, and yet I did none of it. It didn’t satisfy me, none of it did. I went through the motions, but I have no connection to the girl that did them. My reflection? It’s foreign; she isn’t me.
Remember when I said I didn’t care what other people thought? Yeah, that’s gone in hiding. I’ve let all of the bad things that they’ve all said infest my brain. The cloud of judgement has made a home in my thoughts; they repeat over and over and over again, and I eat, sleep and breathe with it all replaying. What hurts me more than their belief in my failings, is that I believe them. They are right. And I sit with the fact that I probably have no one in my corner … not even myself.
These thoughts are not for pity; these thoughts are mine, these thoughts are real. I’m so fed up with everything. With them. With everyone I’ve ever known. With me. With who I’ve always been. I wish, I wish so desperately, that I could fly away to freedom. Away from the shackles of these people and this place. I want to disappear. Reappear.
It’s a light tap dance, living.
I printed out a few dozen pages of old online diaries I’ve kept. Years and years of the same same same. I was thinking of using some of it for my next post; a better understanding of who I am I guess.
Thank you all for sticking around … I don’t know why you do, but knowing that these words will be read means something. And that is a whole hell of a lot right now.