Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
A different kind of Sunday Recap. I cannot force humor today; it is not one of those days.
Some days, I can’t stand the sight of myself. Some days, I can’t stand the sight of anyone else. Some days, it feels like I’m sitting in front of a camera, and all of my flaws are being loudly picked apart on screen by everyone watching. Everyone that assumes they have the right to do so. It’s sickening. It’s disheartening. And it’s, as much as I hate to admit it, hurtful.
Why do people feel such a need to judge others? To remind them of their failures? Of their mistakes? Perhaps it makes them feel better; it takes the spotlight off of their own unhappiness and shines it harshly on someone else. Perhaps they aren’t trying to be hateful, though try or not, it is. I do not need to be chastised, reminded of my regrets. I do not need you to joke and poke and parade them around my head as if it brings you some sort of sick pleasure. I carry them with me always. I know exactly where I have gone wrong, and exactly how much further I still have yet to to go.
I try to remind myself of how far I have come, of how I have clawed and scratched my way out of such darkness and come out alive, that that should be something to be proud of … I do try. But days like this, days that drag me by my ears by people that have no human decency to show, I feel as if I lose all of my control, and weep quietly in the corner where no one can see. It does not matter, to some, just how far you’ve come or how hard you’ve worked just to survive; to some, it only matters what you have to show for it. If you do not have the material possessions or societal ‘norms’, you might as well be back to where you were, because it looks all the same to them.
The beauty of the human race, I’ve always thought, was the difference in us. You can go that way, I can go this way. He can be gay, she can be straight. They can become wealthy and those ones can become poor. You speak Spanish, I speak English. There are endless paths to walk as a human, and I’ve always been mesmerized by that. Problem is, some cannot open their minds past their own culture. Some cannot open their minds past a short distance, and that is where the ugliness begins.
So what if he changes his mind and comes home?
So what if I tried a thousand different things, and decided against every last one of them?
Perhaps that is the real beauty in life. To try and to fail a thousand times.
I would think that focusing on ones own life and path would be enough, but it is not. Judging others and poking fun of their mistakes seems to be a favorite and addicting pastime to some. Is it so hard to just support one another, no matter what life they choose? Luckily, I was not engineered to be able to allow their judgement to rule my life … I’ve tried, oh god have I tried, but try as I might, I always had to go down my own path — enduring their harsh eyes all along the way. But some give in. And that is not weakness, it is a survival instinct. Some give in.
And so, shame on you. Shame on you who stick your nose out just to find someone to ridicule. Shame on you who chastises someone for trying to find their own way. Shame on you. I once read something by Carl Jung that urged everyone to be very careful of controlling the path of another person; of projecting your shadow unto them; for no human has the right to do so … and the results can be catastrophic.
I have lived it for so long that, as much as it stings, I know I will pick myself up and continue on my way. My problem is seeing it being passed down generations. To my brother. To my sister. On and on. Is that really what people want to pass on to their children? To say, one moment, I just want you to be happy … but then shut the door and/or lay down horrendous judgement when the child tries to be happy (on their own terms)? I can tell you that nothing kills the spirit faster.