Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
Poe
A different kind of Sunday Recap. I cannot force humor today; it is not one of those days.
Some days, I can’t stand the sight of myself. Some days, I can’t stand the sight of anyone else. Some days, it feels like I’m sitting in front of a camera, and all of my flaws are being loudly picked apart on screen by everyone watching. Everyone that assumes they have the right to do so. It’s sickening. It’s disheartening. And it’s, as much as I hate to admit it, hurtful.
Why do people feel such a need to judge others? To remind them of their failures? Of their mistakes? Perhaps it makes them feel better; it takes the spotlight off of their own unhappiness and shines it harshly on someone else. Perhaps they aren’t trying to be hateful, though try or not, it is. I do not need to be chastised, reminded of my regrets. I do not need you to joke and poke and parade them around my head as if it brings you some sort of sick pleasure. I carry them with me always. I know exactly where I have gone wrong, and exactly how much further I still have yet to to go.
I try to remind myself of how far I have come, of how I have clawed and scratched my way out of such darkness and come out alive, that that should be something to be proud of … I do try. But days like this, days that drag me by my ears by people that have no human decency to show, I feel as if I lose all of my control, and weep quietly in the corner where no one can see. It does not matter, to some, just how far you’ve come or how hard you’ve worked just to survive; to some, it only matters what you have to show for it. If you do not have the material possessions or societal ‘norms’, you might as well be back to where you were, because it looks all the same to them.
The beauty of the human race, I’ve always thought, was the difference in us. You can go that way, I can go this way. He can be gay, she can be straight. They can become wealthy and those ones can become poor. You speak Spanish, I speak English. There are endless paths to walk as a human, and I’ve always been mesmerized by that. Problem is, some cannot open their minds past their own culture. Some cannot open their minds past a short distance, and that is where the ugliness begins.
So what if he changes his mind and comes home?
So what if I tried a thousand different things, and decided against every last one of them?
So what?
Perhaps that is the real beauty in life. To try and to fail a thousand times.
I would think that focusing on ones own life and path would be enough, but it is not. Judging others and poking fun of their mistakes seems to be a favorite and addicting pastime to some. Is it so hard to just support one another, no matter what life they choose? Luckily, I was not engineered to be able to allow their judgement to rule my life … I’ve tried, oh god have I tried, but try as I might, I always had to go down my own path — enduring their harsh eyes all along the way. But some give in. And that is not weakness, it is a survival instinct. Some give in.
And so, shame on you. Shame on you who stick your nose out just to find someone to ridicule. Shame on you who chastises someone for trying to find their own way. Shame on you. I once read something by Carl Jung that urged everyone to be very careful of controlling the path of another person; of projecting your shadow unto them; for no human has the right to do so … and the results can be catastrophic.
I have lived it for so long that, as much as it stings, I know I will pick myself up and continue on my way. My problem is seeing it being passed down generations. To my brother. To my sister. On and on. Is that really what people want to pass on to their children? To say, one moment, I just want you to be happy … but then shut the door and/or lay down horrendous judgement when the child tries to be happy (on their own terms)? I can tell you that nothing kills the spirit faster.
I want my brother and my sister to know that following your own path, no matter how lonely it gets, comes with a wonderful prize at the end. Endure. Keep walking. They judge you because they are weak, they judge you because you are different … they judge you because they envy you.
_
My rant today is just that, a rant. I guess I am just disgusted and so very done with the bitter taste in my mouth. These people, these vultures, picking their easy prey. I apologize if my tone seems different today … but sometimes it’s okay to show a little anger.
Guest Post Theme:
I have been thoroughly enjoying the guest posts, and usually, I won’t come up with topics because I like the diversity … but for the next round, I would like to share your stories of judgement. Overcoming it, experiencing it, doing it (as we all have), etc. How has it shaped your life? For the better or for the worse? I really would love to read & share them. If you are interested, go here.
I suppose the nice bit about having (my/your/our) flaws picked apart is the realisation finally that those flaws are not us and do not define us. there is a living core that remains when the fire burns off the rest. I am more than my mistakes. I survive them and learn. I hope anyway.
Must of us judge others to deter attention from ourselves.
Thanks for this today..I cried, it hit home home just a little. I have been struggling with things said to someone I love, my words come from fear of the potential for repeated mistakes and my truly only wanting what it is best for him. But you are right, my best for him might not be what he thinks is best for him and if I keep interferring so that he doesn’t go backward how can I know or even for that matter how can he know that he is strong enough not make the same choices? I told him I want him to take his life back, but I have to step out of the way in order for him to do that and that’s the hardest part of all. I love him for who is he, I know what he has done, but I also know who is regardless of that, that there is more to him than that path he went down. I know it’s time for me to let go and let him see where his life takes him and continue to be here for him should he struggle or fall. See sunhine, I’ve told you before you’re wiser than your years, your post sometimes clears the murky waters of my relationship with my son.
Why do people become judgmental?
Possible reasons
1. They feel that they don’t have much to do in their own lives
2. They are scared to judge themselves
3. They are crazy. They just like to poke into others’ lives out of habit
4. They are sadists. They know that you would be sad after you have been pointed out your mistakes.
But why should you care about them? By being judgmental, they waste their own time and energy. Why should you waste yours by thinking of their judgments?
I don’t mean to judge, but that seems like a rather outside view; and that is exactly what makes people judgmental: They lack the capacity, for whatever reason, to empathize with the people they judge.
I also don’t mean to defend the judgmental people; they are quite capable of doing that themselves. But their lack of empathy is rarely even their responsibility. I may be an atheist, but I would like to point out some of JC’s last reported words: “Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing”
Sorry, I didn’t get any connection between your comment and mine
You offered reasons why people are or become judgmental. I critisized your reasons for being unempathic, and in turn offered failure to empathize as a reason for judgmental behavior. If you were german, you’d find it funny
Judgement are natural – we all make choices and decisions in our minds, its what we do with those that are hurtful and damaging. For me I had to learn to ‘turn off’ the negative mantra in my mind first by becoming aware that they were there tear at me from the inside. Then I learnt to replace them with a positive thought. I reckon you’ve started to do that from your comment:
“I try to remind myself of how far I have come, of how I have clawed and scratched my way out of such darkness and come out alive, that that should be something to be proud of…”
Its harder when others seem to tear you down or not respect the progress you’ve made but sadly we cannot control them. I still find family difficult but it is getting better as I find peace within.
If its any help this Psalm kind of sums up the feelings you’ve expressed and leads to a hopeful conclusion. Helps me, so I share with you if you think it might help you?
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2062&version=NIVUK
Here’s to a better day for you to day! Cheers
Try to remember, the only power they hold over you is that which you allow them to have.
Use their words and actions to further improve upon yourself because you see how they act and the damage they have the potential to do (also there is a good chance this person thinks they are being helpful) and become the positive influence over your siblings vs. the negative they are getting from this person. Balance this person out so they aren’t the only thing your siblings are hearing.
By the way, with your brother joining the military I would say he is definitely getting out and choosing his own path. Well done.
Don’t know if this’ll help, but it helps me, sometimes … a little.
When people are being all judgmental and shizz, maybe think of it as though they are not really judging you, but only the idea that they have of you, cause that’s all it is. You are, to everyone you know, little more than a concept, an idea, and if you don’t live up to their idea, or fail to satisfy their ideal concept, then they express this conflict as a form of judgment. But it’s got very little to do with you, and how you are, and all to do with how they are, and how they form their concepts.
I’ve been dealing with this sorta shit a little more than usual too, so it’s been on my mind. I wonder if there really is, like Jung reckons, some sort of collective consciousness, and all the crazies are riding a similar sort of wave? Wouldn’t that be darling!
I’ve been surfing on-line greater than three hours nowadays, but I by no means discovered any fascinating article like yours.