Everyone is obsessssssssed with weight loss. Drugs. Commercials. Programs. Juices. People do the dumbest things to lose a couple pounds … myself included. This post is dedicated to us.
I happen to be an expert in weight loss. You may not have seen my ads in the local paper, but trust me, my stretch marks from yo-yo dieting speak for themselves. I know how to lose weight … I sort of just don’t know how to keep it off. But that part isn’t important, NO! What’s important is losing weight super fast so that we can satisfy ourselves into thinking the easy way is the best way.
And since I love you, and since you know that, I thought it was only appropriate to share my tips and secrets … and I’m not even charging you for it! Here are my, Loony-approved, top 3 ways to lose weight QUICK!
Disclaimer: Obviously, this is sattire/making fun of myself/making fun of others. Out of love, of course. So if you go out and do these things (which would be really dumb/funny and would probably kill you), don’t hold me responsible.
Eat a few dozen laxatives before bed
Did you eat a huge dinner? Feeling rotten about it? Pop some laxatives. Oh yeah. Might want to take some more … just to be safe. Drink them down with prune juice, then settle into bed. Get comfortable, begin dreaming, fall asleep with a smile, for soon you will be —-ting your brains out. Don’t worry, they won’t hit you until 3 am when you almost don’t make it to the toilet in time. Once there though, it’s best to turn on the fan and leave the water running as it could help disguise the gross sounds coming from your bum.
An hour later, things will slowly cease. Your job is done. You survived. You are ready for anything … colonoscopy even! Go back to bed, ignore the burn, you’ve earned some slumber.
This tip works because when you wake up and step on the scale, you’ll be so dehydrated that the number will be lower (just don’t ever drink any liquids again, or effects will be temporary).
Quit drinking liquids
It’s better, as far as weight loss is concerned, to just stop drinking liquids period. Here’s why:
- Diet soda will slowly rot your toenails.
- Regular soda will rot your stomach lining.
- Juice will give you hallucinations.
- Tea will constipate you.
- Smoothies will get you pregnant.
- Water will make you fat.
In fact, they will all make you fat. Studies has proven this. They will do these things that some might call “healthy things” to your body, but really, we all know “healthy” means fat. Liquids just sit there all cool in your stomach and hang out for extended vacations. Just skip them. It’s only a myth that you can’t survive without water.*
This tip works because without liquids, you will never have to worry about “water weight.”
*Actually, it’s not a myth. You’ll probably die within days.
Sleep … a lot
While you’re sleeping, you’re not eating. This is good, and this why why it’s on my list. It’s really best here to quit your job, drop out of school, break up with your boyfriends and best friends, and kick out the pets. If you want to lose weight, sacrifices must be made in the name of more sleep. It’s also good to invest in some good sleeping pills.
Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up in the morning, pee, then go back to bed. Sleep until about 2pm, after you have skipped two meals. Get back up, pee, and do things until about 6 pm … when it’s bedtime again. Eating dinner is optional … just remember, it will make you fat.
This tip works because the longer you sleep, the less you will weigh when you wake up. It’s like magic!
So there you go, my top 3 tips for quick weight loss. Now I’m off to go get Burger King.