You know I like my boys a little bit older ...

You know I like my boys a little bit older … I can find it on Craigslist!

Craigslist is the street corner of the internet. We go there because we are lonely, sad, and generally looking for a good deal. All around the world, we can find apartments and jobs; hookers and computers; fake Chanel purses and that Kenny Rogers compact disc collection we’ve been searching for over the years. You can put a search out for that long lost lover you just passed a few minutes ago on Main Street, and you don’t need to feel an ounce desperate about it. Yes, Craigslist is that coveted street corner we all visit but don’t like to admit to.

Here are 5 things you need to do on Craigslist before you marry Ebay or something and drive away for good.

1. Contract A Disease

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While everyone else is worried about flu shots and cat scans, you should start focusing on getting sick. Disease is everywhere you look, but sometimes it just seems that no matter how often you try not washing your hands in public restrooms, you just can’t catch one! Have no fear, Craigslist is here! No doubt someone out there is suffering from an illness and willing to spread it all over your immune system.

Make an ad, ask to contract someone’s sickness. You have then lived, my friend.

2. Do Someone A Favor

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Looking to do something nice for humanity? Look no further than the ‘Help Wanted’ section of Craigslist. The economy is bad, not everyone can afford the nice plastic flamingo lawn ornaments! Some actually need to use their money for important things, like providing the drugs to compensate you for the hard work you are about to donate. Phones are locking, the laundry soap is now completely water, the dogs are eating that old spam … assistance is needed!

Get your good karma on and help a fool in need.

3. Splurge On A Purchase

Screen shot 2011-05-11 at 9.41.44 AMScrew Black Friday, save up all year for Craigslist! One thing people nowadays forget about is just how awesome used goods can be. Not only that, but has Pinterest not taught you anything about how great a fixer-upper can be? This old toilet could be a great investment, and think about all of the time you will save by doing #1, #2 AND #3 on this list all in one!

If you’re really lucky, you might even get it for free!

4. Give Someone A Job

i-do-anything-500-1There are plenty of people who will ask for your money while giving nothing in return. “Hey, can I borrow five bucks?” or “Yo, my dog needs a pedicure. Please help!” It gets pretty lame, so I don’t blame you for holding on tight to the bills in your pocket. But what about those who are willing to work for the dough? That person offering up service to support his World of Warcraft habit? I say give him a chance! Hire someone off of Craigslist this year, and get ready to reap the rewards.*

*Rewards not based on actual results. Usually, you just end up with your favorite china being stolen.

5. Find The Love Of Your Life

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First of all, look, I know your first choice for online love is me. But since I am unavailable due to this weird water retention disease, Craigslist has got your back! All sorts of lonely people post in hopes of finding their one true love. It is a colorful assortment of hims and hers, just waiting for your message. Don’t be fooled into thinking they are all freaky old men with kinky desires … some of them are also young dudes that just discovered the internet cafe near campus.

2013 is here, and the time has come to enhance your life. Go on over to your local Craigslist site and let the magic begin!

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