What you will look like without me.

Well folks, this will be my final post of 2012! I don’t know about you, but I will greatly miss myself over these next couple’a'days. We are having a New Years party for my little brother, as he will be leaving to basic training soon, and I will be too busy making fun of indecent supposedly respectable adults to make any posts here. To make up for my absence, I wanted to leave you with something really worthy of your time.  This post is my effort to do so … judge me tenderly, I’m still healing.

It has been quite the year, hasn’t it? Let’s all just take minute to ponder all of the beautiful things it brought us — Okay, now stop it. Don’t go getting all mushy on me. This part of the year isn’t for reflecting, it’s for planning out our next year. What will our resolutions be? What goals will we swear to keep, only to fail at on January 2nd? I was curious to see what everyone else was vowing, so I stole found out what the most popular resolutions were … and to add my little loony flare, why they are useless.

# 5: Drink Less

Come on guys, I’m still cool!!

Say it with me, “Al-co-hol-ic.” Very good. Now repeat. Good. Go stand in front of the mirror  and say it again. Got it? Great. Because if ‘drinking less’ has to be one of your resolutions, that’s what you are.

I went through a drinking phase. I was 21. Okay, I may have gone a bit overboard, but I also had mental issues and a defective maturity level. I went to clubs, bawled and vomited in bathroom stalls, appeared too desperate to men that said “You appear too desperate,” and I may or may not have asked my little brother to take off my pants and let his girlfriend sleep with me. Now I barely drink at all (unless there is kid-filled Xmas party to attend …). Point is: It’s sort of acceptable to be a drunk blubbering mess at that age.

Then you turn 30. 35. 45. 65. And you’re still drinking way too much. All social functions, with dinner, before bed, the shower treat. Still choking it down. You tell yourself you have a home and a car and a family and have it all together so you can’t be an alcoholic. You tell yourself its natural for a 40 year old to be clubbing with those in their 20′s. Truth is:  It’s just not cool anymore to be an alcoholic anymore. Now its just sad. Not to mention the “Damn, now I have health issues” shit-just-got-real part of the equation. You’re not just getting hangovers anymore, now you’re getting liver spots and yellow eyes.

Now, because I love you and want to help you succeed in life, I made up studied up & invented a test below.

* Made a resolution to drink less? You are an alcoholic.

* Didn’t make a resolution to drink less? You are in denial. And an alcoholic.

Useless because: You need Dr Drew’s rehab, not a resolution.

# 4: Get A Better Job

This private jet is giving me a rash, I need a better job.

I know, your boss is mean. The cake in the break room is raspberry filled and you hate fruit. The dress code doesn’t allow you to express yourself artistically. The manager won’t let you eat a fry now and then while you’re putting the burgers together. Everything about your job is painfully mundane and you just cannot take it anymore. Because of your ambition, this year you vow to find a better job. Better pay, better rewards and better flyer miles. Good for you. Except for the small tiny little fact that:

You have a job.

You have a job.

Wait for it … you have a job.

Useless because: You have a job.

# 3: Spend More Time With Loved Ones

Don’t do it.

Useless because: It’s a terrible idea.

# 2: Reduce Debt

Being a stripper affords me the finer things in life.

Look at you, you big spender you! You’ve got a Chanel purse and some designer jeans. Your credit card is shiny and the stores are calling your name. The kids need better Christmas presents and you need a tan. Bejeweled on Facebook is getting really intense; more coins are needed! Burger King looks good and you have no cash — four months in a row. A new house. A new car. College education. A new set of boobs. Maybe even a built in penis pump. Charge. Charge. Charge. And then we get debt.

Since reducing our debt is such a lame, dark place where monsters live, we wait until January 1st to try and do it (for real this time!). The bills keep coming in the mail, the debt collectors call all day long. This year, this year, I will take care of my dirty little secret! But do we? No. Because spending is too much fun, and saving is too hard. Get someone with bipolar and then you’ve got a real problem. I racked up over $15,000 in a year when mine first flared up. I was 19. I was on top of the world. Until I wasn’t. Now I’m 25, taking out financial aid for school and still racking up my number. I’ll be dead before it goes away. Unless a rich man wants to marry me — any takers?? No? Okay fine.

Useless because: Spending helps our economy. Let’s just all say that to make ourselves feel better.

# 1: Lose Weight

This is how Loony diets.

Yawn. I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was 14; it’s getting very old and yet I cannot stop making the vow. The only reason I was okay with gaining weight at first was because I went from toothpick & flat chested to good-curvy with breasts. But then I kept growing (I’m only 5’2, so I’ll let you guess which “way” I grew) … so did the boobs. Now I have saggy melons that are hell bent on rooming with my navel. Losing weight is the holy grail; its the cheese to the cake. If we could just reach that coveted goal weight, everything would be okay! The debt wouldn’t be so bad, the job would be better, alcohol wouldn’t be so appetizing … being thin is the only resolution that really matters.

And so, on December 31 we make a plan. What diet will we choose? The bacon grease one? The crap-yo-pants juice cleanse? The “That celeb did is singing on TV, that must mean it’s the winning diet!” one? So many choices! So little time! Maybe we choose to walk more, eat less. January 1st comes and we do it. This salad is phenomenal. January 2nd comes, and that candy bar begins whispering your name. Everywhere you go, food begins to call you to it. By midnight, you’re scarfing down everything in your kitchen, crying and saying, “I’ll start again tomorrow!” But really what we mean is next year.

Useless because: Food is a four letter drug.

In all seriousness, I wish y’all a wonderful New Year’s Eve & day! I will be starting a giveaway next month, so stay tuned for that because you know it will be anti-climactic a whole lot of fun!

Don’t forget to be safe & tell me YOUR resolutions for 2013!