So Christmas came and went and now its time to go back to not being nice to anyone. We sit back in our recliners going through the Facebook news feeds of our (sort of) friends displaying the pictures they think we all care about seeing. Everyone is trying to glorify their day, smiling and laughing, showing the 5% of their lives that they are okay with the public observing. “Ohemgee! I totally got an ipad and a new car and a private jet and …” Thanks. I’m just happy with my fluffy socks and new robe.
Around this time, before the full on self loathing begins, I start looking at the pictures saved on my camera. I begin to wonder just why I have to have bra induced back fat, and how in the hell I am in so many pictures with children. Sure, I love them. They are part of my family. I see the other women croon over the infant, battling for a turn to cuddle on him … meanwhile, I’m just trying to hide. I’m not a fan of kids. I don’t drool over them, I don’t think their crapping their pants is cute. The only ones I’ve ever liked were my niece and nephews… and even they got on my last nerves. Please don’t start sending me hate mail for hating kids … I don’t hate them. I’m just a 25 year old gal that doesn’t feel the need to procreate; I don’t think your kids are better than my cats. Cute, sure? But so are my kitties. It’s probably just because I’ve never been a mother, I don’t have that instinct. I was simply born without the chip that feels the need to breed. So no, I don’t hate children, I just don’t prefer to spend my time around them. Which is why it shocked the heck out of me when I saw just how many pictures there were of me holding kids.*
*Disclaimer: I learned a long time ago not to mess with Mama Bears. So in case you are one, and you are reading this: Your kid(s) is the bestest in the whole wide world! Cuter than cute! Sweeter than sweet! I just loooove his/her poopy bum. Please don’t eat me.
Anywho, back to the topic. In a desperate attempt to fit in (because Loony & family get-togethers are awkward and painfully uncomfortable), I joined in on the festivities and posted some Christmas photos online. A smile here; a smile there. I look perfectly engaged and pleased to be holding the booger picking mini-humans. Here are some of the ones I posted, and what I was really thinking:
The “Baby Crapping On Lap” Photo
At this point, I felt a definite force coming out of his bum.
What you see: I’m looking down at this bundle of joy. We are making eye contact. I put my finger in his hand, fascinated by how tiny his palms are. The wrinkles on his neck are endearing.
What I was really thinking: Okay, he has wrinkles, is that normal? What the hell was that? Did he just fart on me? OH GOD, he’s pooping his pants! What if it leaks out onto my skirt? *looks in his eyes, talking with mind* Please don’t poop on me. Someone take him, please someone take him!
The “All the Grandkids” Photo
What you see: Here I am, holding another kid. I’m smiling, this is so fun! Oh hey, hold still another minute? Oh sure, no problem! In fact, take all of the time you need, I’m perfectly content here on a couch full of ecstatic children.
What I was really thinking: Do what now? Hold him on my lap? Oh yeah … sure, I guess. Stop squirming now. Oh you pick your nose? Please don’t wipe it on me. Okay, now he’s trying to wipe it on me. Get off my lap!
The “All the Grandkids” Photo 2
What you see: Hold him again? Oh sure! What’s a booger to me, anyway?! Hahaha, yay for snot!
What I was really thinking: Hold him again? Are you serious? He is trying to wipe his nose juice on me and you’re laughing! Why are you laughing? How is it even remotely funny? Okay, I’m gagging now. Oh god, I’m going to vomit.
The “Standing Around” Photo
What you see: I am drinking an adult beverage, overlooking the children on the couch. A smile; looking down at them with love and compassion.
What I was really thinking: Damn right I’m drinking; did you see that kids hands when he got done emptying his nostrils out?? I’m going to stand here for the rest of the night, casually refilling my drink as needed, hoping that you will not ask me to hold anyone again. The smile on my face? It’s actually a smirk toward the next child-holding victim saying “Better you than me, bitches.”
The “Sneaking to the Toilet” Photo
What you see: Oh hi, I’m a girl and I am in the bathroom taking a picture. This is fun.
What I was really thinking: HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I’ll get lucky & they’ll think I’ve had a bad reaction to the bean dip.
The “Yay, I’m Free!” Photo
What you see: I’m home now, undressed (well, sorta) and obvioiusly cooking something to numb the pain of the evening. I’m happy. Reallllly happy.
What I was really thinking: Read above.
Now obviously, if anyone in my family (including the fine mothers of these fine children) is reading this — or any other mother out there, you know I love y’all. Hopefully. Maybe. Kids make the holiday’s magical; they still believe in Santa! I respect the crap out of most mama’s out there! I’m not evil or strange (okay, I am…), or trying to disrespect … I’m just not a fan of most humans, children included. I prefer a couple of cats and a cake.
BWAAAAAAAHHAAAAHAAAA. oh my gosh, you crack me up. That getting home feeling is the best. Especially when you feel the people don’t understand you. I need one of those teleport devices so I can teleport you over here. zoooommmm
Please doooo!!!
Okay, I am not alone; am right there with you! Fortunately nobody took pictures yesterday. Baby Jack was cute, but I was happy to hand him over to a mommy. Cats I understand. Babies, not so much.
haha! glad i’m not alone!
No worries, I think I can speak for most Mommas — we have been there and done that and agreed with you. Nobody likes nose juice on our clothes, whether it is your kid or not. And we have all hidden in the bathrooms a time or two. No shame.
Fun post! Thanks!
Thanks for being so nice
Sounds just like me when surrounded by children! Though, I am getting better the more I’m around them.
I always have to have a sneak off – introverted, quiet person surrounded by giggling / screaming / talking / questioning / awkward moments makes me need regular intervals.
I like your method of blurring faces
Haha! Thanks
I see what lovely days you have an have to laugh almost immediately. This just makes my day, and I’m not saying that because I love other peoples pain. Thankyou for sharing your amazing edited photographs, and inner monologue. In my world, I get to the time of corny jokes and Christmas hats of the Crackers and think…”Hell yes. Halfway there. I can do this.” And then night time hits and all the adults are drunk, having a good time and now I’m thinking…”Why in the name of God is Australia’s drinking age 18. And why in the hell are my parents not cool enough to let me drink underage like the rest of my younger cousins.”
Don’t worry, theres plenty of time to be a drunk at family gatherings! I feel your pain though.
Great post, I love the reference to “nose juice” – I had my own particular Christmas hell. My brother and his girfriend turned up completely drun and proceeded to fight in the front room before she stormed out into the street. My mother fetched her and we all sat down for dinner. Brother’s girlfriend proceeeded to eat with her hands, mascara streaked across her face. It was a bit like spending the day with Kirsty MaColl and Shane McGowan in the Fairytale of New Yor video. Just without the good music or charm. Oh, and no Matt Dillon.
Oh man, yeah that might have mine beat. Although, I sort of wish I would have thought of it first
Most favorite images of the lot…. You at home letting your hair down
Haha, thankss!
LMBO!!!! I officially love you!!! I’m a husband, father and son and I totally feel you! My preference for all holiday gatherings are totally adult based but the children kinda show up by default (even my own). You are a REAL person and I appreciate you. Keep it flowing!!!
Haha, thanks a ton, you’ve made my year
I officially love you!!!! Your level of realness is amazing! I wish more people would just tell the truth! I prefer adult-based holidays events but children just show up by default (even my own)!! Lol… I also love the kid / cat comparison. We have both in the house and there is little difference between the two at times!!! Keep the truth flowing!!!
Sorry, for the double post… sent from my dumb-phone.
It’s all good, I liked reading the compliments twice
Oh thank Goodness, I’m not the only 25 YO girl that thinks these things !
I don’t mind kids so much, but the worst question in the world is “so, when are you going to start a family?” – since my little sister already has a baby, this is the worst. People look at you like a monster when you say that, though you quite like kids, you don’t want one *in your own actual house* !!
Cats are better. Apart from the fur that gets literally everywhere.
Yes, I walk around with fur balls on all of my clothes
And yes, I HATE that question!!
This is so funny and perfectly true! We’ve all been there… even us parents. That pooping the diaper thing… totally happens. Also the snot. You nailed it, girl. And, yes, the look on your face when you finally get home is the most perfect of all the pics!
Lol, I’m glad you liked it
Yay Cats! I do think I will sire one or two children and raise them, mostly because I think it’s part of the human experience, but I still got time… I’m only turning 28 in march… and if there’s anything I know about my family it is that I will remain in my current physical condition until I’m 50… I digress… my point being I have plenty of time before I have to change diapers… or maybe I’ll just hire someone from a 3rd world country to do it for me and my prospective wife
Hahahahahahaha! You’re awesome. Yeah, I might do it … but sadly, I won’t be in the same condition at 50. Sad.
I have a baby and I don’t like babies. I mean, I like MY baby. But other people’s kids? No thanks. Unless they belong to a very few beloved friends or family members, then they’re cool. Other than that, I don’t have much patience for the screaming and running and snot. Call me when you’re old enough to be in my choreographed Destiny’s Child living room dance group from which I derive entertainment.
What?
I’m old enough, whats your number???
Bwahaha! It surprised the hell out of me the first time I learned kids at my martial arts academy were searching me out because they liked me. “How the heck do they not understand the feeling isn’t mutual?!” I wondered.
I was terrified of motherhood because I have never had anything resembling a maternal instinct. The closest I got was threatening people who threatened my siblings, which, granted is part of motherhood . . . but a very small part.
I was glad when the instinct kicked in. I’m glad for motherhood. But never, ever, ever do I try to tell friends that they “must” have kids or anything like that, because life can be good in so many configurations. Mostly I just feel really glad that my life’s configuration did end up suiting me, so that I can enjoy what I have and appreciate why other folks want something else.
Thanks for the smiles.
So true! Thanks
I got fuzzy socks, too. I love them, almost as much as my NEW NEXUS
.
Anyway… merry, merry, Loony! Have a smashing New Year. (and by that, I mean, get smashed so we can compare hangovers next week! whoot!)
Haha, you lucky thang!! Can’t wait to compare stories!
I thought *I* was the only one missing the “mother gene” lol glad to know there are others who feel the way I do!
right now my facebook feed is filled with “oh look at my 700 dollar iphone/computer/etc and I’m just like…I got slippers from Giant Tiger and now have my own pajamas ” .
Trust me. You are not the only one who thinks this. I have to agree with everything you have written here.
Thank you
Hii…your blog has a humor that only honesty can bring out
Keep writing…
I’ll try
Thanks.
really funny post. I like the style of your post, especially with the ‘what you see’ and ‘What i was really thinking’
oh, and the last photo, FREEDOM finally at last!
Keep writing!
This was beautifully hilarious!! And what really IS up with the bra-induced back fat in pictures? It’s never there when I’m standing up extra-straight and holding in my stomach looking in the mirror before I leave the house!!!
Nope, it likes to stay nicely invisible until it actually counts.
Amen, sister!
OMG, I can’t tell you how much I enjoy seeing other people who do not get the fuss about kids. It makes me feel less like a horrible person. Or maybe I am horrible but at least I’m not alone.
I really thought people would hate me for this post … I’m SOOOO glad to find others like you!
Merry Xmas!
You are so like me: we could be twins. I love it.
Sweet, I’ve always wanted a twin!