I love the day after Thanksgiving, I get to go right back to reflecting upon all of the things I hate about myself and my past … and not feeling an ounce bad about it. Yesterday, I had to be thankful. I had to appreciate the things that I have, instead of focusing all of my energy on the things I really wanted to be thinking about. So today, in honor of the 24 hours of pure
misery bliss I had to endure*, I am going to reflect on something I am unthankful for … a few of my ex’s. Because, you know, holiday’s bring up those memories of faded love. Or something.
If you were to sit down with me and get an honest little retelling of my romantic history (how corny does that sound??), you might want to bring some Kleenex for the brain bleed that will inevitably follow. I have one, folks … and it’s as crazy, random, irresponsible and sometimes sexy as hell, as I am (well, maybe omitting the sexy as hell part … though I am pretty much a drop dead sexy beast to some …). I’ve explored my sexuality, played out some fun little fantasies, and made sure I branched out [when you have a 'type,' you are selling yourself way too short!]. My point is, I have thoroughly experienced being a single woman. I may not always look back with fondness at my sexcapades (that’s a word), but I let go of cultural/societal restraints and threw myself into passion. I cannot allow myself to regret [most of] that. But … I have also done that thing where you date someone who it completely wrong for you, then run away screaming “I will blog about you someday!” That is what I am going to focus on today, ladies and gentleman I shall pick the top 3 “you were a fun little mistake” ex’s, and slander their reputations. Just kidding, I’m not rich enough for that.
The ‘Woulda’ Dude
So this guy. This guy was my first real boyfriend. We frolicked the fields with our naive youthful convictions; we had that “We are both young dumb asses but happy about it!” romance. I truly did love him, and I believe wholeheartedly that the feelings were mutual. He helped get me through the bullying in high school, got me away from drugs, he ran away with me and my friend but then ultimately turned us in (thankful for that), and he gave me someone that I could have all to myself. Someone that loved me and let me know it. We had a great’ish 4 years.
Then he joined the military. Everything unraveled after that. I can’t sit here and put blame on just one of us … I spent far too long doing that. The ugly truth is: he changed and I changed. He came back a different person and while he was gone, I became a different one as well. I had been in a “see you everyday” relationship since high school, since age 16, and when he left I inevitably started seeing what it felt like to be young and single. To have the apartment to myself; to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t cheat on him during this time, but mentally, we began drifting apart. It was so so slight at first that neither of us even saw it happening.
When he left for the last time before our break up, I experienced something; a trauma I suppose. I don’t want to get into it but … it infested me and forever changed the course of who I was. I quit my job, stopped paying my bills, got behind in my rent. I started going out, drinking so much that my floor was covered in beer cans, driving drunk … and cheating on him. I looked in the mirror and had no idea who was looking back at me in the reflection. I was no longer me … and no one understood that.
This guy and I tried to fix things, but it was impossible. He was disgusted, rightfully so, and I was slipping even further into the depths. Bipolar is a fucker of a disorder, and along with experiencing a trauma, you have a deadly loaded gun (your brain). People see you as a hateful, horrible person … and you agree with them. You are so far gone that you have no idea what you are doing anymore. His anger turned him against me, and my darkness turned me against us both … we broke up (my idea).
We stayed in touch, getting together now and then, but we were poison to each other. But it was addictive; we almost craved it. Finally, I drew the line and we cut off all communication for almost 2 years. We got back in touch, had another go at things last year … but after he forced me to do things that still haunt me to this day, and we both knew we were probably going to end up in jail over our fights, he left and we have not spoken since.
This is my “woulda’ ex. My first love; my worst poison. I will never speak to him again, the “what if” thoughts are put to rest.
The ‘Coulda’ Dude
I met this guy by email while he was serving overseas. It was never meant to turn into anything more than me sending Christmas treats and goodies … which I try to do every year, but we kept emailing, then eventually talking on the phone, and formed something strange but captivating. When he came home, we met — sorta fell in lust (though we both called it love), and I left everything and moved a state away to live with him. It was a whirlwind, totally crazy scheme … but it felt very right at the time.
He was older than me; more mature and more laid back. I was 21, still questioning everything about myself (along with not yet having addressed my mental crap). We clashed here … but HIDE YOUR EYES FAMILY MEMBERS … the sex was amazing. Our passion for each other was powerful; it was such a force of nature. It was probably why we stayed together for as long as we did (a couple months …). But alas, sex can’t solve everything (despite what you may have heard), and I bolted quickly after we both knew things were never going to work between us.
This is my ‘coulda’ ex. I no longer speak to him. After he called me “his favorite old movie” … direct quote: “You’re like my favorite old movie. I store you away for a while, but every now and then I want to take you out and watch you,” or something like that, I decided it was time I move on for good. Because I’m a NEW RELEASE, people … hmph.
The ‘Shoulda’ Dude
Okay, I lied. I am not going to talk about 3 ex’s. I have a few more that I could put in the last two categories, perhaps … but I realize that I have no “Shoulda” guy. I don’t look back at any of them with “What if?” thoughts. I have no regrets about walking away from anyone.
Maybe someday, Loony will meet her “Should” dude, and they will fall madly in love. Not lust, but love … okay, maybe both. But the day has not come, and I’m in no rush. All of my past relationships and experiences in the department could be used against me; I could feel regret and remorse and add more things to eat myself away with … but I’m not gonna do that. Instead, I’m going to look at it all as my education. I know what I want. What I don’t want. I know that settling is a one way ticket to things not working out. I’ve learned so much about myself through the people I’ve been with.
So I’ll just sit here, blogging and racking up my crush-count (because Weirdo basically said I’m a freak of nature in the ‘charm your buns off’ department
just kidding, he didn’t really say that that’s a direct quote from him), until maybe someone decides to fall in love with me.
Now tell me about your most memorable ex’s … or ones that you wish you could forget.
*Don’t get me wrong, yesterday was actually a pretty fabulous day. I got to spend the day with my favorite people: my grandparents. And I gained 12.5 lbs. A successful Thanksgiving.