Vampires are hot.

No, I’m not talking about fleas. I’m talking about Vampires. It seems  it’s all the rage nowadays to want to be a fanged creature. Twilight, Vampire Diaries, etc  have all of our panties in a knot to get our blood sucked out by a chiseled undead man. I understand all of the appeal and desire more than I should. Afterall, I have wanted to be of Vampyr descent since I was 7 years old.

The year was 1994, and my mother tucked me into bed earlier than usual. She had rented a movie that she wanted to watch alone – I was not invited. Of course, due to my rebellious nature, as soon as she settled onto the couch, I snuck out of bed and hid underneath the coffee table. 

Soon, the movie began and I read the title of the film that would soon change my life forever: Interview with the Vampire. I was completely entranced, there was no turning back. Never before had I seen death be so romantic. Immortality beckoned me! And then, just when I thought my desire could be no greater, I saw Claudia.

Her hair alone was reason enough!

Oh, Claudia! With her perfectly curled hair and sweet yet mischievous demeanor. I longed to become this little girl, trapped in a youthful body for all eternity. Although I was too young to understand romantic love, I understood her love for Louis. I wanted that. I wanted it all. 

I fell asleep that night with a new dream. I would become a vampire, one way or another.

My first pair of vamp fangs weren’t nearly this cool ….

The next day, I awoke begging my mother to take me into town. I wanted to begin my quest by obtaining fake vampire teeth — you know, for practice. As soon as I held the flimsy plastic dentures in my hand, I knew things were already going in the right direction. 

I began attempting to my eat dinner whilst wearing the fake fangs. I remember one such night vividly: my mom had made barbecued ribs. I patiently waited until everyone else had left the table, when I then took out my teeth. I slipped them on and tried eating. I pretended the sauce was blood, and made sure to get it all over (for dramatic effect, of course). Needless to say, I ate very little that night — but felt like I had just had my first vampiric experience. 

The years have gone by, and unfortunately, I am still human. The lust to be immortal has not escaped me, though I have learned that just because you can dream it, does not mean you can be it (Which is why I smirk when I hear the phrase: “If you can dream it, you can do it!” What a crock of shit). I still wish I were a vampire.

In closing, if there are any vampires reading this today (*cough* Nicolas Cage *cough*), feel free to look me up. My schedule is pretty open.