Many people say they’re empty. But I’m too full. Full of memories, fears, hope, love, and anger. I have too much inside myself. I have a heart that’s getting too heavy to carry around. I feel so much, I can’t have peace.
There is so much I have to say, but words seem to be failing me. I find myself standing in the dark once room again, and I am unsure of my abilities to plot another escape. This room does not let go easily. I want to say this happened suddenly, but the truth is that I have felt it coming for some time now. A little less hope each day, a little more pain.
The loneliness sets in. The kind of loneliness that sets up shop deep in my bones. There is no hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on. I sit here with nothing more to offer. Decaying – slow at first and now I cannot slow it down. I cry looking out the window, shedding tears of every one of my dreams lost. If I could think of just one more thing to wish for. But hope has only ever disappointed me. This place is my foe, but this place is my oldest and dearest friend. I slip into this darkness without much fight.
I don’t know. Lunatic overdrive. I want my fairy tale now, I could use it. That person to come save me … even though I know everyone thinks it has to be me saving myself. I’ve tried that. I’m ready for my hand to be kissed. Or for it to just be done and over with.
I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow. Well, I’ll try.
Images from bl4cktea
I know exactly how you feel. I am gutted. I am empty. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. My hand was once kissed and then he took it all back. My heart feels broken beyond repair.
I’m really really sorry that you know how I feel — and for what you are going through.
Lunatic, thank you for posting that. I know it seems hopeless right now but please ,please,PLEASE HANG ON! I can give you reasons. Lots of them but understand this now – you do matter. Since finding your blog I’ve laughed, cried, ruminated, and replied. That is not so common for me. Yours is one of two blogs I follow that I actually read every post. And why does that matter you ask? It matters because if I’m doing that lots of others are too. And with the laughing crying, ruminating you are touching people. Helping us feel like humans instead of icy old hags. What you do does matter. So that’s just one reason. I have a bunch more. Please promise me you won’t do anything drastic. I am probably not the fairy tale person you are hoping for. I just wish I could be. I have a bike, no white horse. I’m not a prince. Just a reader who’s grown attaches to you and wants you to feel better.
I had to re-read this (and copy-paste it into my notepad). I can’t believe that my words affect someone like that … it is all I have ever wanted to do, and you saying that … I just don’t even know how to respond. I write these feelings out so that I won’t do anything drastic. Thank you SO SO SO much, I don’t think you know what your words mean to me.
Back atcha…in other words knowing my words matter to you means a heap to me. i think I know how you feel, I have been in that hopeless dark room. Used to spend lots of time there. It’s a hard hard place to be but even harder to leave. But leave you can, just keep fighting I’m out here cheering for you.
And I have to add, that post you did about bullying was big. If in affecting me and so have your other honest posts. I was serious in my comment about wanting to read more of what you have to say because what you write isn’t just fluffy drivel, its real and touching and thought provoking. And that’s just the serious stuff. I love your humor too, its very original. Anyway, glad I could lend a little support.
Saying ‘thank you’ doesn’t seem like enough, but Thank You nonetheless
Do not hope. Hope is not action. Do not dream. Dreams, by definition, are not real. There is nothing but this moment. For each moment that you do nothing to make the most of it, you have surrendered the best part of you to an enemy that does not exist. Do not worry about tomorrow… get up, get dressed, go out into the world and beat the fuck out of tomorrow before it turns into yesterday. Beat it into submission, relentless in the fight. When it is bloody and beaten and you lay your head down to rest victory is yours, not because a dream has come true but because today did not beat you. When you have beaten today many times, and sometimes you’ll not really win, you will see that dreams are not found. Rather they are built on the foundation of dead yesterdays.
I tried not hoping and dreaming … it worked in a way, but I became someone other than myself. I think your method will work wonders for people, but I happen to be a strange breed that seems to only be able to survive off of hopes and dreams (although the term “survive” could be debated, since it’s these things that also bring me down).
Then scale your dreams – dream of beating tomorrow. Hope to build that foundation. No matter your backbone for it, you are evolved to survive. It is in you. Take up a new hobby without giving up what you survive on… the hobby of beating today into submission. Little goals in succession make a long journey seem like a quick trip. Shorten the time frame of your perspective. You can remain yourself and still fight that fight and win. It is indescribable what a winning streak can do for a person.
That makes more sense … seems more doable.
I’m holding good thoughts for you
I appreciate it
There are moments when simply smelling fresh air smell in the breeze and watching a squirrel scavenging nuts is all it takes for me to win that day. I will think of you so that you don’t have to wonder … some one is thinking of you and hoping you’re winning today.
I kept that thought with me today
I feel like that all the time especially being on parole again and having to do what I can on disability and comply with them. I always seem to be able to build a ladder to climb out of the hole I have dug for myself. Like I said to you in an earlier post,”Our best days are still ahead of us”. Check out my new post it has to do with being down and coming up.
I hope I can find that ladder again …
I usually set short term goals focused on getting me the slightest bit happy again ad go from there. A ladder consists o many rungs sometimes, but every goal met and every step forward add a few rungs to ladder until you climb out.
you will
It’s by being in that dark place and coming out the other side that makes a person strong. I’m sure you’ve done it countless times before, and you’ll do it again. You are strong. Do what you need to do but try not to let it consume you. And smile, even if you don’t really feel like it. It helps. Sending good vibes br’ah!
Thanks for the vibes … and the hope.
Sending hugs- fingers crossed tomorrow will be better.
Thank you
There is a way out of the dark room; sometimes it seems that there isn’t one, but there is, only it can be hard to see it through the tears…
Keep writing, look after yourself, eat well, go for a walk, do what it takes to keep you going until you find the way back out into the light.
And in the meantime, we are there, all of your followers!
I’m trying
Thanks so much!
You’ve got a lot of random strangers who really care about you loony. Hell, I almost sent you a message to see if you were doing okay. You hadn’t posted for a while, and, well, you’re a regular. (I actually got worried; I kept checking your page to make sure my reader hadn’t just skipped your post. I’m kind of an obsessive stalker, sorry).
The only reason people read and comment on your stuff is because it’s heartfelt. A small slice of you that touches people deeply. And really, considering you’ve probably never met any of these people personally, that’s pretty cool.
I know how little these words mean when you’re in that dark room, but hey, sometimes those tiny pangs of relief can make a big difference. Don’t need to say this I don’t think, but if you ever need a screen to vent on, feel free to email me.
It’s foreign to me … this “people caring” thing. Woah. That’s kind of sweet that you were wondering about me … I do adore stalkers (probably because that’s the only company I get).
Thank you for reminding me to open up my eyes a bit.
Loony, my g/f is the most loving person I’ve ever met and I still have major problems with the whole ‘people caring’ thing.
I don’t think that element ever goes away with loonies/weirdos, no matter how much love you have in your life or from how many people that love comes from. Just gotta step back sometimes and see beyond the empty interiors people sport and understand that people do actually care, even though our ultra sensitive receptors see otherwise. I’ve learnt – come to believe – that when people seem like they don’t care, or aren’t “there” it’s because they don’t know how to handle their own shit, and so they vacate their bodies. Then, we sensitive nellies pick up on this and feel alone because they’re not really “there”. Does that make sense? Hmm.
Find some people with life in their eyes and it takes away the pain a little. Sorry for the rant that you may or may not understand, but I thought it might help. Otherwise, just depend more on all your neat cyber friends. Maybe. I don’t know, I’m nuts, I wouldn’t listen to me.
I do understand. Don’t you know by now that I will probably properly interpret everything you say?
Actualy, dear, I don’t like. But likes are a spark of cheer. One penny in new currency.
The souls night is very dark. Like the cave in Lord of the rings scarry, full of danger, totally uncomfortable. It sucks. Hence, no like.
Climax of the movies is totally worth it. Imagine the Fellowship of the ring giving up in there. There is no difference than that if you do. You prolly know. Just thought Id mention it. Wondering what your self care
I really really really like your LOTR metaphor … it speaks to me. Thank you for saying that.
Messenger
Fly, soft-feathered friend of the air;
Fly far, fly fast, and fly brave.
Take with you, my message to bear;
Of a true Love, strong, yet grave.
Although long, your flight it may be;
Stop only for but short rest.
When on the branch of any tree;
Keep Love warm within your breast.
Soaring high up above the earth,
Watch for my Love’s special glow.
For when you find her own sweet berth,
You’ll know then, just where to go.
Once you’ve found her, attract her ear;
And sing to her, dear friend dove.
Sing your sweet song, with notes so clear;
Then she’ll know, ’tis her I love.
Carry a rose within your beak;
Give it gently and with ease.
Then she’ll know, for whom you speak,
And I pray that it will please.
Fly, soft-feathered friend of the air;
To do your special duty.
For perhaps then, with your great care,
She’ll see true Love’s real beauty.
M
The light that shines, shines for you…
That is beautiful. I actually got a bit teary eyed reading it (don’t tell anyone!). I so appreciate you sharing that with me, thank you.
The rose… ’twas meant for you…
What? Oh, sorry… ahem… spiritually that is.
I read my reader every day in the hope that I can find another of your posts, partially so that I don’t feel completely alone in the world, and partially because your words simply inspire.
I hope you feel more smiley and better tomorrow.
Thank you so much, you are lovely
*hugs you* I offer hugs because I’m in a similiar place and am having a hard time with words but I’m reading and I care.
Thank you my dear friend
Its kinda quiet on looney land today, how are you doing?
It is quiet … but okay.
*turns on flashlight, waves it around, trying to find the Lunatic* “My shining armor is out there with my white horse! I bet it can carry both of us…”
I’ll be waiting!
Wow… To respond seems a bit redundant now; After reading all these comments.
Overflowing thoughts and emotions maybe it is cruel but I am happy for you and for me.
For one thing it doesn’t mean I am alone with this issue (already knew that but it’s always nice to hear or read from someone with similar challenges).
For another I think people like us are needed. Thinkers, questioners, poets, writers, amateurs and humans that feel the fear that is inherent in life that have to struggle on their way.
take care & write on
P.B.
Nothing redundant about it, each comment is personal and means so much to me.
I understand what you are saying, it is nice to be reminded that we are not alone. And I hope I am needed in some way …
Thank you
I desperately needed someone to do something for him/her.
I needed your post… I was hoping a little line from me could be the help I would like to be able to give in real life.
Everyone is expendable, everyone lost is a loss.
A little line from you means more than you probably think
Sometimes I feel like an intruder when posting on blogs. Such a nice back and forth, as we just had it, gives me probably more than you think.
On this note I will go to bed. It’s two in the morning in my corner of this dusty marble.
sleep thight & read you soon
Michael
Well don’t ever feel like an intruder here … I thrive off of people commenting
Happy dreams, wherever you are
I hope you feel better…I didn’t read this until today. It’s good to reach out like you did. A lot of people feel despair and some days are harder than others. I hope today is a new day for you that is filled with light.
Thank you. A little lighter today … a little lighter.
Good to hear!