In my little nugget of time here on this Earth, I have learned a thing or two.
Sure, my education has helped (a bit), but it has been the tv shows, movies, commercials … and the dreaded “it” girl from middle school, that have taught me the important things!
I feel it is my duty to share the top 5 things I have learned in life that will surely help any female succeed …
1. Mom Jeans Can Help You Save The Planet
Apparently camel toes refuse to go away for long. I am not quite sure what sound a camel makes, but just imagine it coming from a woman’s jeans as it says,
“Come on, pull me up a little bit higher! You have important things to do, and I am just the one to help you achieve them!”
Mom jeans mean business.
Don’t mess with them.
[And don't even think about pulling out that front wedgie if you know whats good for you!]
2. The ‘Duck Face’ Will Give You The Facial Structure Your Momma Didn’t
I’ve always wanted chiseled cheekbones …
I would even settle for cheekbones that were visible.
Instead I got a layer of cheesecake making a home underneath my facial skin.
For so many years, I was lost! Pictures were dreaded! I began to lose all hope!
The Duck Face.
All different varieties, one purpose: to make you look like a freak … but a freak with bone structure.
3. If You Buy Brand Name Tampons, Your Vagina Will Be Happier
I had enough trouble trying to figure out how to use tampons (I swear the instructions never said to remove the plastic applicator after insertion!), that I never even had a chance to think about what brand to buy.
That was until the nifty commercials started coming on that showed me my vagina would be much happier if I bought brand name tampons!
I guess the colorful wrapper, the pretty box and the “it will get mistaken for a candy bar” look really revs that thing up!
4. They Have A Vagina? You Hate Them By Default!
Its probably the first rule we learn as females: Hate (most) all other females!
She’s prettier than you: Hate her.
She got a better grade: Hate her.
She has better tampons: Hate her!
I don’t know why this need for hatred exists, or who started it .. but sometimes it is really quite fun to hate that bitch with the perfect ass (while eating cheesecake).
5. Oh ByTheWay, Never Actually Say “Vagina” In Real Life
This is basic.
Men can talk about their wankers.
You cannot talk about your vag.
It’s just not acceptable.
We must be discreet with everything on the topic (even with buying those said designer tampons).
*I may or may not believe in anything I just wrote.
Someday, I might just share more.